B*TCH, WHERE'S MY COUTURE??????

I’m someone who never really showcases their feelings. I used to be, however once I realised that even some of the people closest to me can’t be trusted, I started to keep everything to myself. To my friends, I am the listener, the one who gives advice, the therapist if you will. But I’m rarely the one to lay down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, talking about the thoughts living in my mind. Yes this is partly my own fault because as I found out, sometimes sharing my innermost has been used against me in malicious ways. I’m never asked and so I never tell. 

I tend to shy away from my feelings a lot. Perhaps it's because I am a smiler and someone that doesn't easily share, my friends don’t suspect that there would ever be anything wrong. When in my reality, there are a lot of things I am not happy with. But I feel as though I have to shield myself and just process these feelings on my own. Hence why making music is such an outlet for me. 

When I wrote this song, It was at a time where I was full of frustration dealing with things that were out of my control. No best friend to turn to, no one I could really trust. There’s more to this frustration that I'm not going to air out on the internet but it felt as though no one outside of my nearest and dearest really knew who I was. 

I know many feel the same way. For me, working on my music gives me immediate therapy. I create a world of sound where I can sing my heart out using words that give some sort of release for me and probably for you too, if you are still reading this. It’s like having my heart-felt lyrics over a techno track. I’m crying but I’m dancing and getting on with it. This may be a toxic way of processing feelings but it works for me. At least for now. I don’t need to pour my heart out to someone who doesn’t give me the time of day.

So I leave it to the music, or the movement or the fashion. Because I want to feel loved and cared about. I want to be adored by the people in my world, my circle, my support system. We all do. 

By definition, couture is ‘the design and manufacture of fashionable clothes to a client’s specific requirements and measurements’. It is custom made, one of a kind clothing constructed with extreme precision and the highest quality materials. But I think couture is a state of mind…

Those who don’t look for couture will never find it. This isn’t about fashion…necessarily. It is about constantly searching for a higher meaning. Whether that is the little things in everyday life or your life as a whole. It’s the feeling that nothing is ever enough; but in a positive way. The way that you are always searching for more. What more can I do to become the best at my craft? What more can I do to get me where I want to be? Perfection is an unreachable concept, but progress isn’t. 

‘Practice makes perfect’ is a flawed statement. This is something my mum taught me at a very young age. It’s important to not strive for perfection but rather progress. Which is why she always says ‘Practice makes progress’. Perfection is a toxic concept, in my opinion it is even more toxic in the world of the arts. Because to many artists, nothing is ever perfect. It isn’t a bad thing all the time because it means you are always pushing yourself to do more. Challenging yourself beyond comparison. Making yourself the only competition you have. At least to me, that is my biggest motivation. Especially as someone who uses their art as an outlet. To say things that I can’t or don’t know how to say. To express my feelings in an indirect way to avoid uncomfortable conversations that I don’t really want to have. The point being that it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to exist. 

The people who don’t lend their ears or who aren’t interested in the first place are not going to be the ones who will listen to me when I want to talk. But through my songs, I have the freedom and the connection that I need. I feel so fulfilled when one of my lines touches someone who feels strong enough to message me and tell me. You are hearing me, listening to me and supporting me. 

And with that I say,

Bitch, where’s my couture?